Many people would suggest that a quick glance at the daily news is all it takes to prove we live in difficult and trying times. And although it seems obvious that complex problems often require complex solutions, much of what is found on social media implies that it’s all just a matter of adopting a simple position backed up with a catchy slogan.
As an alternative to more screen time, perhaps what humanity really needs to do is to get our best minds and prominent thinkers into positions of power where they can implement change.
Of course, that begs the question: Who are our best minds? Here are a few thoughts on how to identify them or even create them, hopefully sometime before humankind obliterates itself via self-inflicted environmental disaster, nuclear showdown or zombie apocalypse:
“SUSPICIOUS MINDS” by ELVIS PRESLEY vs. “CREATURE FROM THE ATOM BRAIN” by ROKY ERICKSON: The typical definition of suspicious usually runs something like “having a cautious distrust” of some person or idea. Caution in and of itself isn’t a bad thing, but given Elvis Presley’s standout vocal delivery, caution turns to distrust, then paralysis – and finally a complete breakdown in a relationship. “We can’t go on together / With suspicious minds” goes the chorus, which makes the point clear; but it’s the “Caught in a trap” fadeout that hammers it in place.
Coming from a completely different perspective, “Creature with the Atom Brain” makes the case for keeping emotion completely out of the equation. Veteran Texas rocker Roky Erickson’s musical reinterpretation of the titular ’50s sci-fi movie classic is more concise and hits harder than the original source material, while managing to actually include dialogue taken from the film. “I told you I’d come back! Remember Buchanan?” “But you’re not Buchanan!” “I don’t look like him, but I am him. … I promised to see you die, and I will!” Yowch – a black-and-white view of the world from a literal black-and-white movie.
WINNER: Rocky Erickson. Even if the King is part of the contest, an Atom Brain beats a bleeding heart 9 times out of 10; that’s just good science.
“IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN” by RAY BOLGER vs. “TEENAGE LOBOTOMY” by the RAMONES: If you think about it, The Wizard of Oz is basically a story about a young girl undergoing temporary cranial trauma. Maybe that’s why the Scarecrow (who wants a brain) is the first of the three companions Dorothy meets on what is essentially her road to recovery and self-realization.
“All the girls are in love with me!/I’m a teenage lobotomy!” belts out Joey Ramone as his brothers-in-arms/in-name-only lob two minutes’ worth of sonic hand grenades into enemy lines.
WINNER: Too easy – the Ramones. You don’t even need brains when you can come up with lines like “Guess I’m gonna have to tell ‘em / That I’ve got no cerebellum!”
“BRAIN SALAD SURGERY” by EMERSON LAKE AND PALMER vs. “CRASH COURSE IN BRAIN SURGERY” by METALLICA: Here’s an interesting pair of songs which were released on compilation albums put out by their respective groups. First, there’s the Emerson Lake and Palmer tune that one might assume appears on the identically titled best-selling album. Well, it doesn’t; however, it does appear as a B-side and on the closet-clean-out Works Volume 2. It’s a short little number that clocks in at just over three minutes, but the musical intro takes up nearly the first minute and a half. That’s probably just as well: The lyrics are fairly obtuse and/or arcane.
Meanwhile, Metallica covers a tune originally by Budgie, a ’70s UK power metal trio who never made a huge impact in North America. “Crash Course in Brain Surgery” is given the Metallica treatment, and sounds just like the kind of music one might imagine the band plays when they want to kick back and relax in their rehearsal space. The lyrics at least reflect the usual metal range of negative imagery.
WINNER: Tough call, but since both bands are playing each to their own musical strength, we’ll have to decide based on the lyrics. It turns out, that if you spend some time spent on your favorite internet search engine you’ll probably find a number of people claiming that “Brain Salad Surgery” is slang for a particular sexual practice. Armed with that knowledge, the ELP song still doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, so the K.O. goes to Metallica, with an assist to online commentators everywhere.
Hmm … Maybe this internet thing will catch on after all.
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