Sometimes retirement is the best idea.
Let me open by saying I love Motley Crue. They were one of the first metal bands that I got into. I’ve seen them live probably more times than any other band, with the possible exception of Metallica. But if the first two new songs they recorded for the soundtrack of their biopic The Dirt are any indication, that retirement tour a few years ago should have stuck.
At that point, they were going out on a high note. They were touring on the back of a good record, Saints of Los Angeles, after a string of really bad ones. It was a nice place to end things, if that was their intention.
Ironically, Saints of Los Angeles was sort of a soundtrack to The Dirt, but the band decided they needed to get back in the studio to record some new songs for the movie, due out on Netflix this month.
The first track, also called “The Dirt,” was not good. It was boring and uninspired and pretty much what I expected from a band that basically called it quits because they can’t stand each other. But that didn’t prepare me for the second song.
When I saw that they were covering Madonna’s “Like a Virgin,” I hoped against hope that they would at least do something interesting with it. No such luck. Instead, they unleashed a raging dumpster fire on an unsuspecting musical world.
It doesn’t start out completely awful. There’s kind of a dark-ish keyboard piece that leads into a chugging guitar riff. Then Vince Neil opens his mouth, and the whole thing comes crumbling down. It may be the most annoying Neil vocal ever, and that’s saying something. It cuts right through you like hundreds of sets of shrieking nails on hundreds of chalkboards. I cringed hard and felt immediately embarrassed for them.
For the most part, Motley Crue plays it straight with the original melody, and Neil tries, most unfortunately, to channel his inner Madonna.
There are a few attempts at dramatic flair on the chorus and leading into Mick Mars’ guitar solo, but they fall flat. You’re freaking Motley Crue, guys. You’re the best of the best at sleaze rock. Play to your strengths.
Then, all of a sudden, after Mars’ solo and another chorus, it finally sounds like a Motley Crue song. The guitar riff that kicks in at the end, when the band takes it up a notch for a brief few seconds, might have actually worked if they’d done it from the beginning and allowed Vince Neil to use a more natural vocal. I honestly would have been interested to hear more of that.
As it stands, though, there are about 15 seconds of anything remotely interesting buried in three-plus minutes of utter cringe.
I’m still looking forward to the movie, but I’m thinking they should have just let their existing music stand as the soundtrack.
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